A Week Ago

A week ago was supposed to be one of the best days of our lives. CT and I had planned to announce to the world that we were expecting Baby #2 and that Kingston was going to be a big brother come March. 

Instead, a week ago we went to the Dr. and learned that our baby who was supposed to be 10 weeks and 6 days was only measuring 9 weeks and 1 day and that it's heart had stopped. 

 What was supposed to be one of the best days of our lives quickly turned into one of the saddest.

As CT wrote on FB:
"Well, we were going to post this awesome picture yesterday to announce the great news that we were expecting our second baby, but instead we have horrible news. Yesterday we went to the doctor for a check-up on the baby and to see the heartbeat, but to our dismay, there was no heartbeat. It goes without saying, we are heartbroken and totally crushed. We know our baby is in Heaven with plenty of loving family members to hang out with. I don't know why God does the things he does in my life, and it's dumb to waste my time stressing over it, because I know He does everything for good reasons I can't fathom. Tiffany is the strongest woman I know and I couldn't ask for a better mother to Kingston and my future children. Seeing how courageous she has been in everything she has had to go through the last 2 days makes me proud to be her husband. It's hard not to bust out and cry over every baby we see or anything that reminds us of a baby, so we really appreciate your prayers for healing and understanding, and the kind words you have given us. We just ask that you please continue to pray for us."

 Deep down I just knew. It was too easy this time. It took 2 years to get pregnant with Kingston and 2 weeks to get pregnant with this baby. It never totally sunk in and it never really felt real. I kept saying "I'm so nervous. I so badly just want to see a heart beat and a growing baby." Last minute I made CT get a sub for the afternoon because I had a feeling our appointment would take longer than his lunch break. Looking back, I think the Holy Spirit was slowly preparing me for the heartbreaking news we were about to get. 

So many emotions went through me this past week: 

I felt sad. Sad because no mother should go the the fear or pain of having a baby vacuumed from her womb. I felt mad. Mad because we now have a massive hospital bill with no precious gift to show for it. I felt selfish. Selfish because I'm upset at the amount of time lost. It takes forever to get pregnant and even longer to get even 10.5 weeks in. So much time was lost and now we have to start all over. I felt responsible. Responsible because I forgot those two days of pre-natal vitamins and had that one Dr. Pepper that afternoon. But mostly guilty. Guilty because I didn't pray over this baby or pregnancy anything like I did with Kingston's.

I also felt hopeful. Hopeful because I know the Lord knows what He's doing even when we can't seem to understand. And thankful. Thankful because I know the Lord spared CT and I from greater heartbreak down the line. 

Laura Story's song Blessings has been playing in my head non-stop these past few days:
What if Your healing comes through tears.
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near.
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise.

It's crazy, my Dr. (Dr. Maki who is seriously a God send) said 1 in 6 pregnancies end up this way. We shared the news on Facebook a week ago and 16 people reached out saying they had experienced what we were going through. That just goes to show that any healthy pregnancy and healthy baby is truly a miracle. 

I know we will get to experience pregnancy again soon. I just hope I never have to experience this experience again. 

PS - Thank you to everyone for the texts, calls and messages - the kind words and prayers for our family. 
They can be felt. 

Being Grown Sucks

This past weekend my little family went back to my home town and spent the weekend with my parents and sister. My littlest sister is a sophomore in high school and as I sat and listened to her talk with her bestie, I had a moment where I missed being in high school. I missed picking out my best outfit and spending too much time on my hair each morning, I missed those lunch time friends - you know the ones who aren't your usual friends but the ones you sat with at lunch because you had the same class that day, I missed the giddiness of talking to a new guy and I even missed note taking and homework. 

Everyone wishes away those younger years and all your look forward to is being able to just 'graduate and be done with school and finally have a big girl job'. I know I did. Something I wish I would have told my 16-22 year old self  - sometimes being a grown up isn't all that fun. 

Sometimes making life decisions sucks.  

Right now I'm having to decide on which insurance is going to be best for my little family. How the heck am I suppose to know what type of coverage we are going to need for next year? Will we break a bone, get ebola or will nothing happen and all we need are our annual appointments? 

Insurance is confusing enough because of the various options, each with their own benefits. 

1. Low premium, no copays & pay everything out of pocket till we hit high deductible then most everything is covered after.

2. High premium, no copay & no deductible but pay 25% of almost every bill.

3. Medium premium, copays with medium deductible & medium % to pay after deductible is met.

Decisions, decisions! 

Last year we chose option 1 and it saved us a lot of money during Kingston's birth. We had our deductible met when it came time for his birth and then most everything was covered after that. We didn't have to pay a cent of our $16,000 hospital bill and now each doctors appointment costs us $5-$10. Needless to say we are getting everything checked out this year! 

I think we are leaning toward option 1 again because we have the option to use a health savings account which makes it less of burden when we have to pay big chunks at each visit. 

Which option would you choose? 

Kingston's Birth Story

Years down the road, I know I will want to remember how July 30th, 2014 happened. 

Kingston's birth story: 

Let me preface by saying that at 36 weeks, with the help of our lovely chiropractor, Kingston finally decided to become un-breech. Starting at 32 weeks I saw her 3 times a week and did nightly exercises to try and get him to flip to avoid a c-section. 

Also, at my weekly OB appointments starting at 36 weeks - I was always 'almost at 1cm and softening'. 

July 28th, 2014:

Kingston's due date. 

Still no more progress. Almost at 1cm and softening. 

Our OB knew we didn't want to go much longer then our due date (We were getting anxious to meet our little man and I wanted CT to have as much time off with us before school started.  Also, induction is a personal choice, one not everyone agrees with it, but it was a choice we wanted.) - so she asked us if we wanted to be induced and when. 

We choose his birthday - July 30th, 2014.  

July 29th, 2014: 

We had our last dinner as a family of 2 at Old Chicago.

730pm

 We checked into the hospital to begin the induction process. 

I changed into the sexy hospital gown and answered a bunch of questions from the nurse and residents. 

I then got hooked up to begin monitoring Kingston's heartbeat, and was poked 3 times to start an IV. My nurse tried once and then she called the IV team. The IV team was super busy so the charge nurse came and got it on her second try. Supposedly, I am 'valve-y'. 

At this point I was checked by everyone - still at about 1cm and softening. I was also told that I had a posterior cervix and that it would become more anterior as Kingston made his way into position.

930pm 

Time to get a foley bulb catheter, which is a more natural way to induce labor.  I was told that having a posterior cervix could possibly make getting the foley bulb more difficult so they had the year 3 resident insert it. He was awesome and was able to place it with no problem and no pain. They then filled the balloon portion of the catheter with saline solution and gave it a tug every hour or so. This caused the cervix to mechanically open and by the time it fell out I was at 3/4cm.

1030pm

Last chance to order food before delivery day. 

I ordered a grilled cheese, salt and vinegar chips and water. Because of the delicious pizza I had a few hours prior - this meal went to waste.

130pm

The foley bulb fell out, I was at about 3/4cm and I was told to rest until 530am when they would start the pitocin. CT was able to get in some really good shut eye but me not so much. I was too nervous, and between getting up, using the restroom and listening to my little mans heart beat -  I couldn't get more then 30 minutes here and there. 

530am 

They started pitocin and increased it by 2 every 15 minutes. 

I was getting checked every hour and still at about 3/4cm and maybe softening a little more. 

930am 

The contractions really hadn't started and my pitocin was already pretty high. 

My Dr. decided now would be a good time to break my water to see if I would progress any more because of it.

1130am 

The contractions started and I was at a good 4cm now. 

Everyone who checked me thought Kingston was sunny side up and not able to get into the correct position. 

100pm

I was at 5cm by now and finally softening more.

When my doctor came in she tried to internally/manually turn Kingston's head so he was no longer sunny side up. It was uncomfortable but I could feel he had moved. My doctor left and acted really positive saying she thinks we would have a baby by 4 or 5pm.

200pm 

The epidural team came in and it took them 2 pokes to get it started. I also ended up jumping major when they said 'this may send a shock through your body, try and hold still'. Ya ... I suck.

200pm- 600pm

This time frame is all a blur.

 There was no real progress. I couldn't get past 5 cm but I was softening a little more. 

They had to place an internal monitor to measure contractions. 

After a bunch of checks, they think Kingston turned back to being sunny side up. 

We tried tons of different position changes to help him make his way into position better and nothing worked. 

My epidural worked great on my right leg (it was super dead) but I could still feel my left side. I had to have my epidural medications changed multiple times because they would run out or because they needed something stronger. 

600pm

The Dr. came in and the baby and my body hadn't progressed any more. Something was causing him to not get into the correct position so he couldn't fully make my cervix soften and open up. I was still at 5cm and she said I had until 700pm to progress to 8cm or we would need to do a c-section. 

This is when the water works started flowing. I remember turning to CT and mouthing 'stupid baby'. I had tried everything possible to get our stubborn baby to flip from being breech so we could avoid a c-section. We worked so hard and it was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to have skin to skin, I wanted to breastfeed as soon as possible, and I wanted our epidural to fully work so I could remember everything if a c-section was to happen. 
Naturally, there were so many fears I had. 

My nurse was awesome and did everything in her power to help us progress - more frequent changes in position and tying to manually stretch me to make it possible for Kingston to move down. It didn't work. 

730pm

By this time, I was still shedding a few tears off and on, but I had come to terms with the fact that we were going to need a c-section. I had talked to our nurse and made sure if I was unable to do skin to skin, that CT could. 

The Dr. came back in and checked me. I was almost at 7cm but she still advised we go ahead and get him out. The nurse anesthetist got me hooked up and I was completely numb up to my arm pits.  

745pm

CT gets changed into his OR clothes and a backwards hospital gown so it opens in the front. Everyone was so confused as to why he was dressed like that - but we were determined to do our skin to skin time.

I got wheeled back to the OR and the prayer before surgery started. 

812pm

My 8lb 6oz baby with a slight cone head arrived and he was absolutely perfect. 

I was able to have about 20 minutes of skin to skin time with him before my arms became to tired and I had to hand him off to CT. 

Being cut open and having him removed from me was the easy part. Being put back together was the hard part. Thankfully, I had an awesome nurse anesthetist that talked me through the whole process and kept my mind off everything that was going on behind the curtain. I literally felt like I was having a heart attack as they were pulling and tugging on everything.

930-1130pm

We were wheeled to recovery. 

Kingston easily latched on and we had a really good breast feeding experience. 

CT was then able to help with bath time. 

All I wanted was some water so the nurses snuck me some. 

1200pm

We finally made it to our postpartum room and my family got to meet Kingston for the first time.

 Immediately after everyone left, all I wanted was some chicken nuggets but the nurses said no. CT left to get some food and on his return Kingston had the biggest meconium poop and CT had the pleasure of changing it! CT was the biggest help and we spent the first few hours, exhausted but just loving on our boy.

July 31st, 2014

700am

I was determined to get up and walk around so I could shower. 

Everyone thought I was doing so well after surgery and I felt great. 

Thursday was spent figuring out our baby, entertaining visitors, and being constantly checked on by the nurses. 

August 1st, 2014

We were told the whole time that we wouldn't be released to go home until Saturday morning, but since I was doing so well and able to move so easily they gave us the option of going home Friday evening and we took it. 

430pm

We got released from the hospital, headed to the pharmacy to get my medications filled and immediately the adrenaline stops and reality sets in. 

I'm a mom and I'm going to do everything in my power to be the best mom I can be. 

My Hospital Bag

Since we head to the hospital tonight at 730p -  I figured this post would be fitting for today. I have asked all my closest friends and pinterested the heck out of what to bring to the hospital, and I think I finally have my bag packed for the last time. 

Here is my version (being a first time mom) of what's in my hospital bag. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Kingston:

- Two sleepers that open at the bottom with coordinating hats and socks

(I like these because they have the sleeves that fold over to cover their hands which means no need for gloves.) 

- Going home outfit with coordinating socks 

(an outfit that allows for his legs to be free so he can be easily buckled into his carseat)

- light weight blanket

- swaddle blanket 

(not pictured)

-burp cloth

-nail file

-paci

For Me:

- Oversized sleep t-shirt to change into after we move to our postpartum room

(I read that they are still checking everything down there often and want easy access to your hooha and tummy. I've read a lot of people like robes for this reason but I like the idea of a t-shirt better.) 

- Larger than normal panties

(Some people swear by the mesh panties the hospital gives you, but if for some reason I don't like them - these will help me feel a little more normal and can be thrown away after) 

- Jacket, slippers, socks and flip flops 

- Going home outfit 

(yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt) 

- Regular nursing bra & a nursing sports bra
(I plan to wear the regular nursing bra during labor and then it can easily be removed when the time comes to put him on my chest.)

- Festive drink tumbler

- Travel shampoo, conditioner, body wash and toothbrush 

- Headband, makeup bag, deodorant and comb 

(not pictured)

- Lanolin cream 

(I was told to put it on as soon as possible for prevention purposes - but to ask your nurse first for some. Basically this is a just in case item.)

Extra items:

- Notebook to write questions, birth story in, etc. 

- Mat board for guests to sign 

(This goes to a shadow box that we will keep all the stuff from the hospital in.) 

- Birth certificate information, insurance card, card stock (For them to do his footprints on. This way if they mess up I can have them redone and then I'll just paste them in the baby book) and folder to house all the extra papers we get

- Boppy, extra bag (for all the hospital goodies they say to take home with you), phone charger, snack bag for CT (gum, nutrigrain bars, etc), vending machine money 

(not pictured)  

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you think? I am notorious for being an over packer . . . so I'm sure I have way more stuff then is necessary. I've also only packed for your regular 24 hour hospital stay - so if we end up having to stay longer, I'll have CT run home for some extra clothes. 

Do you think I am missing anything? 

Is there anything you wish you would have packed that you didn't? 

40 Weeks - DUE DAY!

How far along: 40 Weeks -- WE MADE IT! 

Food Comparison: Small Pumpkin

Weight gain: +25 lbs 

Maternity clothes: Yes. 

Stretch marks: So many. 

Belly button in or out: Out. 

Sleep: Sleep has actually been okay this past week. 

Best moment last week: Only working 3 days last week and having a long week to prepare for his arrival. 

Worst moment last week: Walking, walking and trying a ton of things to make Mr. Kingston come and he doesn't want to. 

Miss anything: Some, but I'm going to enjoy these last few days of having a baby growing inside me -- so no I don't miss anything. 

Movement: He is still moving but I can definitely tell he is running out of room. 

 Cravings: Drinks. 

Queasy or sick: No. I just feel like a baby is falling out of me. 

Looking forward to: Meeting Kingston.   

Labor Progression: Same as last week - softening and about a 1cm. We go in tomorrow night to start the process of his birth! He should be here with us 7/30/14. 

Prayer Request: Please Lord let me have a safe/uncomplicated delivery with the birth of a healthy baby boy. 

What I'm Looking Forward To

Besides officially becoming a mama to a sweet little man -  there are a few things I'm looking forward to after becoming unpregnant: 

1.  99 cent Margarita's at our go to spot - Playa Azul 

2. Sleeping on my back

3. Not purchasing toilet paper every time I go to the store.

(Our current stash shot- courtesy of CT)

4. Being able to shave my hooha without the use of a mirror. Being able to see when I try and button any type of pants. You get the point - being able to see down there. 

5. Going to the new trampoline park across the street from our apartment

via

6. Dieting & Working Out . . . NOT

7. Putting back on my beautiful wedding ring

8. Getting my third tattoo 

All you preggo's out there. 
You feel me? 

39 Weeks

I officially have a torpedo for a belly. 

How far along: 39 Weeks

Food Comparison: Mini Watermelon - and my belly sure looks like one.

Weight gain: +25 lbs 

Maternity clothes: I am so ready to have clothes that fit again. I have worn the crap out of the few things that I've purchased. They have been washed so many times that there are starting to get fuzz balls all over the outside. Time for them to be thrown away! 

Stretch marks: Yeup. Inner thighs. Sides of booty. Under belly button. So sad.

Belly button in or out: Out. I had no clue it could stick out as far as it is. Reference picture above.

Sleep: Brutal. I wake up every 2-3 hours to use the restroom and have a Braxton Hick Contraction. Luckily, I'm able to fall back asleep as soon as the tightness goes away. 

Best moment last week: Spending some last minute quality time with CT. We went and saw the new planet of the apes movie on Saturday and hung out all day doing nothing on Sunday. It was really nice.  

Worst moment last week: Swelling and stretch marks. My body has officially changed so much .. but for the good.

Miss anything: A few things. Check back later this week for what I'm looking forward to.  

Movement: He is still moving but I can definitely tell he is running out of room. 

 Cravings: Drinks - but I need to drink more water. I got scolded from the OB.    

Queasy or sick: No. I just feel like a baby is falling out of me. 

Looking forward to: Tomorrow being my last day of work and having my son here no later then next Wednesday! 

Labor Progression: Nothing new. Still softening and about a 1cm. We also had another non-stress test. Last week because we thought he wasn't moving enough and this week because his heart rate was high. Thankfully everything came out okay and we just have an active baby! Plus a mama who needs to drink more water.  

Prayer Request: Same prayer as last week - 
This week I pray a fast labor and delivery and the ability to breastfeed! I have so many friends pregnant and their babies have started to arrive. I know our time is coming soon and as much as I'm looking forward to our little man being here - I'm not looking forward to the unknown (the delivery). 
Praying for peace.

{Guest Post} - - Labor Pains Deserve a Present

Can I get an Amen? 

Today I'm over posting at Leslyn's while she's out becoming a new mama to her precious baby boy Emmett! 

After meeting her last year at our mutual bff's wedding - it's been fun keeping up and comparing our pregnancies because we are both due with precious baby boys only two weeks apart! 

I hope you'll head on over to her blog and check out some awesome pieces any woman would want to add to her jewelry collection. And don't forget to follow along with her. She talks about all things: the good, the bad, a day in the life of a choral director teacher and as of recent - all things mama related! 

38 Weeks

How far along: 38 Weeks

Food Comparison: Leak

Weight gain: +24 lbs 

Maternity clothes: I've been going to the closet to find anything that fits. Most  things I find are old shirts that I'm stretching the crap out of. 
Oh well... what do you do?! 

Stretch marks: Yeup. Inner thighs. Sides of booty. Under belly button. 

Belly button in or out: Outie

Sleep: What's that? 

Best moment last week: Not maternity related - 2 more Etsy sales! Woot! 

Worst moment last week: Well our daycare provider that we thought we found, didn't work out. Back to the drawing board. 
Have I said how much this process SUCKS? 

Miss anything: Sleeping. Margaritas. Feeling 'normal'. 

Movement: So many rolls and feet kicking out of my side. 

 Cravings: Chocolate milk.  

Queasy or sick: No just achy ALL over. Feet are starting to swell and my ring is off. Next time I'll invest in a cheap band to wear so people don't think I'm a baby mama. 

Looking forward to: Kingston being here with us! 

Labor Progression: I thought I was leaking fluid today - so at our appointment we had that checked out and I'm not. Dilated to 1cm and I'm softening - some progress but I don't see it going anywhere anytime soon. We also had a non-stress test today and all is well in the womb.  

Prayer Request: Same prayer as last week - 
This week I pray a fast labor and delivery and the ability to breastfeed! I have so many friends pregnant and their babies have started to arrive. I know our time is soon and as much as I'm looking forward to our little man being here - I'm not looking forward to the unknown (the delivery). 
Praying for peace.

Kuddos

Kuddos to the moms . . . 

. . . who had bleeding of any type at anytime during their pregnancy & came out with a health baby. 

I can't imagine how scary that would be. 

. . . who had morning sickness, afternoon sickness, or night time sickness

. . . who had serious migraines 

. . . who had constant heart burn and indigestion 

. . . who became swollen . . . everywhere 

. . . who worked a job where you were on your feet the entire shift 

. . . who carried more than one baby 

. . . who had to watch what they ate because of gestational diabetes 

. . . who couldn't use the restroom if their life depended on it 

. . . who carried their baby longer than their due date 

. . . who had to go through pregnancy without help or support

You women are

You don't know how much I think of all of you ladies that had to endure any of those things. I have been one of the extremely fortunate women with this pregnancy. My only symptom in the beginning was fatigue and I've only had heartburn two or three times. 

But as soon as that 35 week mark hit - I have felt 100% pregnant and the most uncomfortable I have been in my entire life. My pubic bone feels like it's a dried out wishbone that people are pulling on trying to break. I can't sit for more than 30 minutes without getting up and feeling like I have 90 year old hip joints. And who knew that your feet would hurt when they became swollen. 

Kingston . . . your mama and your mamas body are ready for you to be here. 

All of you women are rockstars who felt pregnant your entire pregnancy - I don't know if I could have done it. We do incredible things by growing humans and it's crazy how we are all affected so differently. 

What I Wore: Maternity Photo Details

I had such a fun time throwing together our maternity photo outfits! I knew I wanted one black and white outfit - because DUH black and white is our life, and then I also knew I wanted an outfit that showed off my ever growing belly but tastefully. 

I'm loving how they turned out and every piece I found was super affordable and can be worn time and time again!

 Fringe Crochet Tank // Maurices - similar, similar and similar (not maternity)

Maxi Skirt // Rue21 (not maternity) 

Bandeau // Gordmans

Birkenstock Mulit-Striped Papillio Sandals // gift - similar, similar and similar

Necklace // Gift - similar, similar and similar

Bracelets // Rue21 - similar and similar

Dress // Alter Ego - similar and similar (not maternity)

Mossimo Sandals // Target - similar

Necklace // Etsy 

Bracelets // Random -  Lily&Laura and Alex&Ani 

Could you see yourself wearing either outfit?

PS- how cute is my husband? <3

Pictures taken by Rosario Chico Viette

(She's also doing our newborn photos. Check out her FB page!)

Linking up with: Lindsey and Molly