A Week Ago

A week ago was supposed to be one of the best days of our lives. CT and I had planned to announce to the world that we were expecting Baby #2 and that Kingston was going to be a big brother come March. 

Instead, a week ago we went to the Dr. and learned that our baby who was supposed to be 10 weeks and 6 days was only measuring 9 weeks and 1 day and that it's heart had stopped. 

 What was supposed to be one of the best days of our lives quickly turned into one of the saddest.

As CT wrote on FB:
"Well, we were going to post this awesome picture yesterday to announce the great news that we were expecting our second baby, but instead we have horrible news. Yesterday we went to the doctor for a check-up on the baby and to see the heartbeat, but to our dismay, there was no heartbeat. It goes without saying, we are heartbroken and totally crushed. We know our baby is in Heaven with plenty of loving family members to hang out with. I don't know why God does the things he does in my life, and it's dumb to waste my time stressing over it, because I know He does everything for good reasons I can't fathom. Tiffany is the strongest woman I know and I couldn't ask for a better mother to Kingston and my future children. Seeing how courageous she has been in everything she has had to go through the last 2 days makes me proud to be her husband. It's hard not to bust out and cry over every baby we see or anything that reminds us of a baby, so we really appreciate your prayers for healing and understanding, and the kind words you have given us. We just ask that you please continue to pray for us."

 Deep down I just knew. It was too easy this time. It took 2 years to get pregnant with Kingston and 2 weeks to get pregnant with this baby. It never totally sunk in and it never really felt real. I kept saying "I'm so nervous. I so badly just want to see a heart beat and a growing baby." Last minute I made CT get a sub for the afternoon because I had a feeling our appointment would take longer than his lunch break. Looking back, I think the Holy Spirit was slowly preparing me for the heartbreaking news we were about to get. 

So many emotions went through me this past week: 

I felt sad. Sad because no mother should go the the fear or pain of having a baby vacuumed from her womb. I felt mad. Mad because we now have a massive hospital bill with no precious gift to show for it. I felt selfish. Selfish because I'm upset at the amount of time lost. It takes forever to get pregnant and even longer to get even 10.5 weeks in. So much time was lost and now we have to start all over. I felt responsible. Responsible because I forgot those two days of pre-natal vitamins and had that one Dr. Pepper that afternoon. But mostly guilty. Guilty because I didn't pray over this baby or pregnancy anything like I did with Kingston's.

I also felt hopeful. Hopeful because I know the Lord knows what He's doing even when we can't seem to understand. And thankful. Thankful because I know the Lord spared CT and I from greater heartbreak down the line. 

Laura Story's song Blessings has been playing in my head non-stop these past few days:
What if Your healing comes through tears.
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near.
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise.

It's crazy, my Dr. (Dr. Maki who is seriously a God send) said 1 in 6 pregnancies end up this way. We shared the news on Facebook a week ago and 16 people reached out saying they had experienced what we were going through. That just goes to show that any healthy pregnancy and healthy baby is truly a miracle. 

I know we will get to experience pregnancy again soon. I just hope I never have to experience this experience again. 

PS - Thank you to everyone for the texts, calls and messages - the kind words and prayers for our family. 
They can be felt. 

5 on Friday

Man -- It's been a while since I've posted anything. Life and a baby got in the way and I'm okay with it! Just some randoms on this Friday . . . 

1. Today I'm taking a vacation day. I originally had this day off because we were suppose to close on our new house this past Monday and I was going to use today as a paint and projects day. Unfortunately we didn't close again ... going on a 100 day process, so I'll be spending the day with my boys running errands and watching lots of basketball. 

2. Speaking of my boys ... Kingston has been hanging out with CT all week and they have been having quiet the adventures. Falling off couches, cutting teeth, park surfing and playing the drums on pots and pans. 

They are a mess! I can't imagine the type of stuff these two are going to get into together this summer. 

3. I have a list a mile long of all the projects I want to do to the new house when the time comes. Paint walls, doors, and furniture (cream,grey,green,navy = we are totally a cool color family), sliding barn door for laundry room, stain concrete flooring in the basement etc. My list of things I want to buy for it is about 2 miles long - but I feel like I need to wait until we have paint on the walls and everything we already have in it's place to see what we are missing. Many more house posts to come once we finally get the keys. 

4. I really wish Iowa State wouldn't have lost yesterday because they totally busted my bracket. Scratch that, I guess I'm a tad bit okay with them losing because they beat KU last weekend and some of their awful fans yelled at my baby. 

5. Have you guys ever heard on a journaling bible? Look on pinterest or instagram under the hash tag #illustratedfaith. Such a fun and creative way to worship The Lord. 

Doodling in my bible! 

Linking up with these lovely ladies today: Linking up with: The Farmers Wife, Lauren Elizabeth, A Little Bit of Everything, XOXO Rebecca, A Blonde Ambition

What Do You See?

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

I see. . . 

A sinner. Someone who doesn't spend as much time as she should with the Lord.

I see. . . 

A 25 year old with already such deep wrinkles.

I see. . . 

That same 25 year old with the hormonal acne of a 12 year old. 

I see. . .

Someone who cares too much about materialistic things.

I see. . . 

A stomach full of stretch marks and the lumpiest scar across my abdomen. 

I see. . . 

Crooked fingers and crooked teeth and lets not forget about that special toe. 

I see. . . 

Nails that don't grow fast enough and hair that's not thick enough. 

I see. . . 

Someone who gossips and argues just a little too much.

I also see. . .

A hardworker. Someone who tries their best at everything.

I see. . . 

A woman who loves her family and who loves the Lord more. 

I see. . . 

Someone who would rather give than receive. 

I see. . . 

An athlete.

I see. . . 

Someone who loves to love.  

I see. . .

A best friend, a daughter and a sister.

I see. . . 

A wife and a mother. 

I see. . . 

Me. 

100% authentic. 

All the good and all the bad... It's me.  

Boy am I thankful for a Lord who loves me for me.  

Encouraging Words

Today I am so thankful for encouraging words. 

I was able to see first hand how a few simple words can really brighten someones day. 

" Oh Tiffany ... God makes all kinds of mommas, and God made you awesome! You have heart, brains, and beauty... you are artsy/crafty, you have made organization skills ... :) and you are helping to support your family. Kingston will grow up with an appreciation for everything you do, which will translate into him having respect for women because he has had a terrific example in you. Whether you work outside the home or stay home full time, you are a fabulous mom! "

These words brought tears to my eyes today when I read them. Happy tears. Tears of appreciation. So many times in the last 4 months I have second guessed so many things, felt guilty more times than I can count, but done everything in my power to be the best mom I can be. I know God made me to be a mom and I am so thankful. I'm even more thankful though that others can see that too. 

After experiencing how a few simple words can totally change someones day - my goal is to encourage others more. Just a few words to let them know that they are doing a good job. 

We should all try it. This world needs more encouragement. 

Week 16

How far along: 16 Weeks

Food Comparison: Avocado

Gender: We find out at 315 today! Stay tuned!

Weight gain: +5 lbs

Maternity clothes: I purchased my first maternity dress using the Cartwheel by Target app. It was 40% off so I couldn't pass it up. 

Stretch marks: No - still slathering up with my belly butter!

Belly button in or out: In with belly button ring. 

Sleep: Good. Without my body pillow it would be rough though.

Best moment last week: CT's mom took us shopping yesterday and we picked out our crib. It should be here in about a month. Can't wait! 

Worst moment last week: CT having 3 back to back snow days plus choosing to take the Monday off before. He literally purchased and watched 10+ redbox movies and didn't shower or get out of bed for 3 days. It's pretty rough being a teacher. 

Miss anything: Margarita's and deli meat. Weird thing is - I hardly ate deli meat before but it's been such a huge craving.  

Movement: Not really.   

Cravings: I made CT take me to Buffalo Wild Wings for some boneless wings this week. 

Queasy or sick: Nope! 

Looking forward to: Finding out the gender of Baby K today and starting our registry/nursery tomorrow! 

Prayer Request: This week as Baby K has more and more calcium deposited in their bones - I pray that they grow up to be big and strong. I pray that they are not only physically strong but also emotionally strong. I also pray that Baby K is so strong in their faith. It's a harsh world out there these days and I hope to raise strong Christian children. 

Week 13

How far along: 13 Weeks

Food Comparison: Peach

Gender: 3 weeks until we find out!

 CT thinks girl, I think boy!

Weight gain: +4 lbs

Maternity clothes: None yet. I should probably start thinking about looking for a few pairs of work pants - the days are starting to get more uncomfortable. Plus I don't want to get caught with my pants unbuttoned (which I might do every now and then). I can't wait for spring to arrive so I can live in dresses! 

Stretch marks: No - doing everything I can to help them stay away!

Belly button in or out: In with belly button ring. 

Sleep: Lately sleep has gotten a lot better. It's hard to get comfortable right when I lay down because I get super itchy, but once I find that sweet spot I'm golden. 

Best moment this week: Taking CT out to some baby stores and agreeing on a lot of things: travel system, swing, crib style! 

Worst moment this week: CT getting pulled over yesterday for going 15mph over the speed limit in a construction zone. Luckily he got off with a warning but they then proceeded to give us a fix it ticket for my illegal window tint. As soon as the officer walked away I started crying saying... "I'm not going to be cool any more with legal tint. My car's going to look dumb now." Haha. Oh hormones! Gotta love them! 

Miss anything: Margaritas.  

Movement: No. 

Cravings: Sour straws and cherry coke iceys  from Quik Trip.

Queasy or sick: Nope!

Looking forward to: My massage on Wednesday. I will be 13.3 days = second trimester!! This mama to be needs my shoulders rubbed for a good hour. 

Prayer Request: This week as Baby K's vocal chords start forming - I pray that when they speak, they speak only kind things, I pray that they openly preach about their faith in Jesus Christ, and I pray that when they worship at church through singing - that they sound better than their mama. =)  

Week 12

How far along: 12 Weeks

Food Comparison: Plum

Gender: Unsure - we get to find out Feb. 10!!

 CT thinks girl, I think boy!

Weight gain: +3 lbs

Maternity clothes: None yet. Last week I talked about how I've had to start doing the pony tail holder trick with some of my jeans. Right now when I'm not in work clothes, I'm living in yoga pants and leggings. 

I can't wait till I actually look pregnant and not just like I'm getting a little chunky. 

Stretch marks: No - I've been slathering up with some palmers cocoa butter. 

Doing my best to help them stay away!

Belly button in or out: In with belly button ring. 

Sleep: I've had to break out the body pillow this week which has helped a lot. 

It's also a nice barrier between CT's knees and my back. 

Best moment this week: Being able to see Baby K on Thursday! HB = 175! 

I am so in love already! 

Worst moment this week: These headaches and this acne. 

I'm ready for these hormones to calm down.  

Miss anything: Jimmy John's unwich or any sandwich with deli meat. I just can't do the whole nuke it for a few seconds ...aka warm meat. No thanks. 

Movement: Call me crazy - but I swear I felt the babe once last week. I was sitting super funky on the couch and it felt like a fish was in my stomach. Weirdest thing ever! 

Cravings: Sour straws and ham and cheese hot pockets.

Queasy or sick: CT has one cologne - Sean Jean - I Am King that really messes with me. 

Other than that I'm good! 

Looking forward to: Baby K's rug coming this week! 

Rugsusa.com had a great deal going on.

 Black and white chevron rug -  5 ft x 8 ft - 70% off -  $37.50! 

You can't beat that!!

Prayer Request: This week as Baby K's eyes start moving to the front of it's face - I pray that as they grow older, they see the best in people...always. I pray that theirs views on the world are positive and that they are optimistic in all situations. 

Pregnancy/Parenting = Scary

For as long as I can remember, I have always longed to be a mother. More specifically a stay at home wife and mother. I'm great at working and I'm really good at my job, but ultimately I want to be the best at running my home and a family. Danielle at Butler Party of 3 wrote an awesome post about this the other day and after reading all the comments posted - it makes my heart happy to know that so many other women feel the same way. 

 As soon as I found out that I was pregnant things got really scary. For first time moms, you have not a clue of what to expect or what is normal. With every feeling and every symptom you are turning to google to see if it's 'normal'. After waiting so long and having prayed so hard for this blessing, the last thing you want is to lose it.  What I've learned is that the unknown is super scary and we shouldn't turn to google but to prayer.  

As the weeks pass by and the first trimester slips away, things get a little less scary. This is when you start thinking about all aspirations and goals you want to have as a mother: solely breast feeding, cloth diapers, homemade baby food - you know all the things the 'supermoms' do. 

The more I think about it, this is a whole different type of scary! There are so many options and these are such big decisions. That's the good and bad thing about parenting - you have so many choices - too many choices. I feel like all my time should be spent researching .. but even then how do you know your child is going to like what you choose? 

Those fears are during pregnancy ... then comes parenting. Teaching and shaping your child so they are successful in life... oh em gee. Then I can't even imagine how scary it'll be when your child starts driving. 

Basically I've come to the conclusion that I will be living the next 20 years of my life in fear. I never thought this would be the top emotion I'd have as a soon to be mother. 
 How do you cope? 

Week 11

How far along: 11 Weeks

Food Comparison: Lime

Gender: Unsure - will find out the week of Valentine's! 

Weight gain: 1.5 lbs

Maternity clothes: None yet. I've had to start doing the ponytail holder trick with my jeans. though. Tight clothes is a no go these days and this prolongs being able to wear my super cute/expensive jeans!

via

Stretch marks: No - I've been slathering up with some palmers cocoa butter. 

Praying they stay away. 

 Any other mamas have any other suggestions? 

Belly button in or out: In with belly button ring. 

Sleep: Good until I wake up at 3a to use the rest room. 

Then the remaining 2.5 hours till I my alarm goes off is brutal. 

Best moment this week: Our first OB appointment and being able to hear Baby K's HB = 178! Dr. freaked the hubby out when she said something along the lines of that typically being a girl heart rate.

Worst moment this week: Major tension headache on Saturday = being in bed all day. 

Miss anything: Margarita's and an appetite. Nothing sounds good these days. 

Movement: No but that's what I'm looking forward to most! 

Cravings: Most times I have to remind/force myself to eat. 

Main craving is juice - sunny d and white grape juice. 

Queasy or sick: Feeling good! I haven't been sick once and my queasiness has went away for the most part. I swear my nose can smell for miles. 

CT's smells use to make me the most queasy but thankfully that has went away. 

I can now give him hugs again! 

Looking forward to: seeing Baby K this week! 

I love that CT is so charming - because he asked and we received. 

I'm so excited for our ultrasound!

Prayer Request: This week as Baby K's ears start moving to the sides of its head - I pray that when they hear the word of God they will believe it.  

Most importantly, I pray that one day they will accept Jesus Christ as their Savior. I don't only want to spend this life together with Baby K, but eventually I want to spend an eternity together in heaven. 

2 Samuel 11

Today in church, our pastor started a new series titles "The Thing". 

The Thing = Satan. 

The Thing is lurking, stalking us . . .daily. 

He has a daily goal to disrupt our lives with temptation, but he ultimately has a strategy to blow up our lives. Because God loves us, we have a huge target on our back. 

Take a moment to read about David's sinful story in 2 Samuel 11.

It's a story about David and his affair with Bathsheba while her husband was away at war. David was tempted and Satan won. Bathsheba became pregnant and when David found out he sent for her husband, Uriah to come home from the war. David figured Uriah would come home for a little rest and relaxation and everyone would believe it was Uriah's son. When Uriah chose not to go home to Bathsheba, David sent for him to be put in the front lines of the war. This was his death sentence. When Bathsheba was done mourning, David took her as his wife and she bore him a son. In the end, it looked like David was a hero, comforting and saving a women whose husband died at war. 

At the end of this chapter the bible states:

"But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord."

This is such a scary and unnerving statement. 

When we sin God still forgives us and He will never bring up our wrongs again. 

Even though He forgives, the sin still punishes us. 

The monster we created still lives on.

Our sermon today was on affairs.

How common they are.

How easily they begin.

How much destruction they cause.

Pastor Hoover gave us some advice on how to avoid The Thing.  

1. Don't toy with temptation

2. Watch out for your vulnerable seasons

(change, boredom, and anger)

3. Don't develop an unhealthy appetite 

Weekly Inspiration [6] - God's Design for Marriage

This past weekend, CT and I attended a marriage conference at our church. No we don't have marital problems, there's just no time like the present to be proactive! It was four hours on Friday night and four hours on Saturday morning, and I feel so renewed and reenergized with our marriage.

God's Design for Marriage

Genesis 2 states that God created marriage to fix a problem, not to create one.

Once married - Who we chose is ultimately who God chooses for us.

 Regardless of the situation, you are married to the right person. 

Our goal should be to love the one we are with. 

It's not about finding the 'right' person {because no one is perfect}, but loving the one you are with. 

We need to work on and strive to love like Christ. 

Being a good husband and wife is a choice we make. 

We need to choose to focus on the positive, commit to no plan B {no divorce}, and we need to take action in our marriage. 

Have you invested in your marriage lately? 

You have to work at what you love. 

Drooling Over Here

So yesterday while I was searching on instagram under the hash tag #washitape, I came across a lovely profile of a woman named Jennifer.

What I noticed as I was not creepily creeping through her photos was that she is such an inspiration for a what a godly woman should be,

and she is so organized, and has the prettiest penmanship!

Take a look for yourself.

 

 

How awesomely organized is she? 

Meal plans, daily devotionals, tracking of their expenses, journaling, lists,
and amazing writing. 

Looking through her pictures was really inspiring to me.

 It made me realize that I need to make a little more time for me. It also made me realize that I need to spend more time with the Lord so our relationship can grow.

Feel free to check her out here so you can be just as inspired! 

PS- I can't wait to showcase what I found while searching on instagram on Washi Tape Wednesdays!

Praying for the Victims

So the past two evenings we have had horrible weather mixed with lots of deadly tornadoes. On Sunday evening we had to head to the basement because down town Wichita was in the path of a F1 tornado. 

I packed my bag, which you can find more about here, and headed down the elevator with Bentley. CT likes to be super cool and super brave and wait until the very last moment, so we left him upstairs. He later came down, but none the less I was super annoyed. 

I don't mess around with mother nature and tornadoes. They are probably the thing I am most scared of. 

Luckily, we escaped with only hail damage to our cars. I can't say the same for some other people around town and tragically the people in Oklahoma. 

My heart aches for all the people who lost their belongings, homes, fur babies, and family members. 

I pray specifically for the moms that lost their children to have peace in knowing their babies are now playing up in heaven with Jesus. I can't imagine the amount of pain they are experiencing. 

God, please give them the strength and hope needed to get them through the upcoming darkest days of their lives.

I came across this touching video on facebook about a woman who thought she lost her furbaby in the storm. Fortunately they were able to catch them being reunited on camera. 

You can hear her say at the end of the video that her puppy was her life. 
You better believe it. I shredded a few happy tears for this woman. 
Even in tragedies, God is good. 

Please continue to pray for everyone effected by these storms. Unfortunately, this isn't the first and won't be the last of these deadly tornadoes. 

10 Happies

I wanted to jump on the bandwagon again for today's blog everyday in May post. 

What are 10 things that make you happy?

1. worship music

2. Bentley being happy SO happy to see me when I get home

3. my mom's meatloaf

4. watching funny home videos when people run into glass doors/windows

5. planners

6. playing volleyball

7. going to or watching movies with CT 

8. blowing up firecrackers

9. my tv shows: Grey's, Scandal, Arrow, Beauty & The Beast, Single Ladies, The Client List 

10. naps

11. margaritas 

12. giving gifts 

13. color coding 

14. chapsticked lips

15. traveling 

Sorry, I couldn't stop myself at 10! 

Crafting: Birthday List [part 2]

So May is here... 

So that only means the count down to my birthday has already begun! 3.2 weeks or 23 days to be exact.

My birthday list is an ever evolving thing. 

You can find part 1 of my list here.

  Additional items requested are below. 

1. The Message Bible

2. Power Drill

3. iPad 


Stay tuned. I know Ill come up with more.
 It never fails. I always find things I need. 


PS- Tomorrow is an exciting day in the Trotter household. Ekk!